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11월 29th, 2007

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사랑하는 나의 어머니

11월 29th, 2007

사랑하는 나의 어머니

난 이 가난을 증오했다.
그리고 언젠가는 벗어나고 말리라는 다짐을 굳히곤 했다.
내가 학교가는길 시장 저 귀퉁이에서 나물을 팔고 계시는 어머니의 모습이 보
인다. 난 어머니가 나를 발견할까봐 얼른 도망친다.

우리 부모님은 막노동을 하셨다고 한다.
일하는 도중 철근에 깔리신 어머니를 구하시려다 아버지는 사망하고
어머니는 한 쪽다리를 잃으셨다고 한다.

일을 가시지 못하시는 어머니는 나물을 캐서 팔곤 하셨다.
난 항상 들판에 절뚝거리시며 나가시는 어머니가 싫었고 밤새 다듬으시는
모습도 싫었다. 더더군다나 시장 한귀퉁이에서 쪼그리고 앉아 지나가는
사람들에게 구걸 비슷하게 장사를 하는 것도 맘에 들지 않았다.

집에 돌아오니 퉁퉁부은 다리한쪽을 주무르시며 나물을 다듬고 계신다.
나를 보자 어머니는 기쁜 낮으로 2,000 원을 주신다.
난 그돈을 보자 화가 치민다.

“난 거지 자식이 아니란 말이야 이런 돈 필요없어!”

그리고는 밖으로 나와 버린다.
다음날 아침 난 어머니가 시장 간 틈을 타 집에가서 책가방을 들고 학교에
간다. 학교길 약수터에서 간단히 세수를 한 다음 물로 배를 채운다.

“야 이민석 너네 엄마 병신이었냐?”
그놈은 그 잘난 부잣집 아들 현기였다.
현기는 어머니의 걸음걸이를 따라한다. 무엇이 우수운지 반 아이들은 웃어댄
다. 난 화가 나서 그놈을 정신없이 두들겨 패줬다.
그리고서는 교실을 나와 버렸다.

저녁무렵 집에 가니 집앞에 잘차려 입은 여자와 현기가 어머니에게 소리를
지르고 있었다.

“아니 애비 없는 자식은 이래도 되는거야? 못 배우고 없는 티 내는거야 뭐야.
자식교육 좀 잘 시켜! 어디 감히 우리 집 귀한 자식 얼굴을 이렇게 만들어 놓
느냔 말이야. 응. 어머니라는 작자가 병신이니 자식 정신이 온전하겠어?”

어머니는 시종일관 죄송하다는 말뿐이다. 난 그러는 어머니의 모습이
싫었다. 집에 들어가도 어머니는 아무 말씀 없으시다.
난 어머니에게 한마디한다.

“다시는 학교에 오지마 알았어? 챙피해서 죽는줄 알았단 말이야!”
“그래 미안하다 난 민석이가 걱정이 되어서…”

“난 차라리 엄마가 없었으면 좋겠어!”
난 해서는 안될말을 해버렸다.
슬픔을 보이시는 어머니를 못본척하며 자는 척 했다.

“난 꼭 성공할꺼야!”

밤새 이렇게 외쳤다. 다음날 아침 수업료라며 엄마가 돈을 쥐어 주신다.
얼마나 가지고 계셨는지 너무도 꼬깃하고 지저분한 돈이었다.
학교에 가니 선생님이 부르신다. 적어도 선생님만은 내편이셨다.
어머니께 잘 해드리라는 말로 나를 위로하신다.

선생님께서 나물 맛있게 먹었다고 어머니께 전해 달란다. 난 그러마 했다.
하교길에 길 모퉁이 배추가게 쓰레기통에서 배추잎들을 주어모으시는 어머니
를 본다.
난 모른척 얼른 집에 들어와 버렸다.
그날 저녁 배추국이 밥상에 올라온다.

“이 배추…”

난 소리를 질렀다.
어머니께선 아무일도 아니라는 듯 “배추가게 아저씨가 팔다 남은거라고 버리
기 아까우니 가져가서 민석이 국 끓여 주라고 하더구나.”

어머니의 말에 난 또 화가 나기 시작했다.

정말로 난 거지자식이 되어버린것만 같았다.
나를 이렇게 비참하게 하는 어머니가 너무도 싫었다.
나중에 안 사실이지만 그날이 어머니 생신이셨다고 한다.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 17년후 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

난 의사가 되었다.
가정도 꾸리고 병원도 장모님께서 개업해 주셨다.
난 너무도 풍요로운 생활에 어머니를 잊고 살았다.
돈은 꼬박꼬박 어머니께 보내 드렸지만 찾아 가 본적은 없었다.
아니 어머니라는 존재를 잊고 살려고 노력했다는 해석이 옳을지 모르겠다.

그런 어느날……
퇴근길에 우리집 앞에 어느 한노인과 가정부 아주머니가 싸우고 있는걸
봤다. 다가서니 그노인은 내가 가장 잊고자 하는 어머니였다.
전보다 더 야윈얼굴 허름한 옷차림 그리고 여전히 절뚝거리는 다리…..
어머니는 나를 보자 기뻐하신다.

“민석아 많이 좋아졌구나.”
난 어이 없다는듯,

“사람 잘못 보셨습니다.”
난 차갑게 한마디한다. 뭐가 모자라서 나에게 온단 말인가…..
그동안 생활비로도 모자라단 말인가?

민….석….아…. 어머니의 떨리는 목소리…..

“전 민석이가 아니라 최영호입니다.”
난 이 한마디를 끝으로 집으로 들어가 버렸다.

가정부가 애써 돌려 보낸 후 별 노망든 할머니가 다 있다고 푸념을
늘어놓는다. 그 후 한달동안 난 악몽에 시달린다. 할수없이 난 다시는 되돌
아 가기 싫은 시장이 있는 우리집으로 발길을 돌린다.

시장 한귀퉁이에 여전히 나물을 팔며 기침을 하시는
어머니의 모습이 보인다. 난 가만히 곁에 가서 지켜본다.
나물을 사려는 한 아주머니가 묻는다.

“할머니는 자식이 없나요?”
“아니여. 우리 아들이 서울 큰 병원 의사여.
자꾸 나보고 같이 살자고 하는디
내가 싫다 혔어. 내가 살면 얼마나 산다고 자식 신세를 져.
요즘도 자꾸 올라오라는거 뿌리치느라고 혼났구만. 우리 아들같은 사람 세상
에 둘도 없어. 우리 아들이 효자여 효자.”

어머니는 자식자랑에 기분이 좋았는지 나물을 많이도 넣어 드린다.
그런 어머니를 뒤로하고 난 예전의 집으로 향한다.
아직도 변한게 없는 우리집 거의 쓰러져 가는데도 용케 버티고 있었다.
이런곳에서 살았다는게 생각에 없을 정도였다.
난 방틈으로 돈봉투를 넣어놓고는 돌아선다.

1년이 지난후 난 어머니의 사망소식을 고교담임 선생님으로부터 듣게 되었다.
그래도 무슨 이유에서인지 내 발길은 어머니의 집으로 향하게 되었다.
시장에는 어머니의 모습이 정말로 보이질 않았다.

도착한 곳에는 선생님이 혼자 집을 지키고 계셨다.
나를 알아보신 선생님 아무말씀도 없으시다. 무거운 침묵…..

“민석아 내 옆에 와서 잠깐 앉아라.”

선생님이 처음으로 하신 말씀이셨다.
선생님께서 낯익은 보따리를 나에게 주신다.
바로 어머니가 가지고 다니시던 나물보따리셨다.

이 보따리에다 밤새 다듬은 나물들을 싸서 시장에 팔러 가시곤하셨다.

“풀어 보거라.”

선생님의 말씀대로 난 보따리를 풀었다.

“돈 아닙니까?”

“그래 돈이다. 네 어머니가 너에게 주시는 마지막 선물이다.
그동안 내가 돌아올까 봐서 그리고 혹시나 네가 성공하지 못하면 다른
사업을 할수 있도록 모아두신 돈이란다.
너하나 믿고 무슨 미련인지 이곳을 떠나지 못하고 너를 기다렸다.
너에게 잘 해주지 못해 항상 미안해 하셨다. 네가 모르고 있었던 사실들도
함께 말이다.”

선생님의 얘기들은 나에게 충격으로 다가왔다. 선생님의 얘기는 이러했다.

내가 아주 어렸을적 나를 키워주신 부모님은 퇴근길에 쓰레기통을 뒤지고 있
는 나를 발견했다고 한다.
자식이 없던 터라 나를 데리고가서 키웠다고 한다.
늦게 얻은 자식이라 얼마나 기뻣는지 모른다고 한다.
어린 나를 집에 혼자 둘수 없어 항상 나를 공사판에 데리고 다니셨다고 한
다. 그런 어느날 무너지는 철근 밑에 있는 나를 보고 어머니가 뛰어드셨다고
한다.
그리고 아버지도 어머니와 나를 구하기 위해 몸을 던지셨다고 한다.
그 사고로 아버지는 돌아가시고 어머니는 한쪽 다리를 잃으셨다고 한다.
그러니까 난 아버지의 목숨과 어머니의 다리로 살아난 운좋은 놈이라고 한다.
혼자가 되신 어머니, 다리마저 불편하신 어머니께 주위사람들은 나를 고아원
에 보내라고 하셨단다. 하지만 어머닌 나를 자신의 목숨보다 소중이 여기셨기
에 나를 버리시지 않고 키우셨다고 한다.
그후 어머닌 아버지를 잊기위해 이곳으로 옮기셔서 나물을 팔며 나를
키워오신 거란다.

내가 대학다닐때 암인걸 아신 어머니는 자신의 몸보다 내 학비를 마련하기
위해 병원에도 가지 않으셨다고 한다. 암전문의로 명성을 날리는 내가
내 어머니를 암으로 돌아가시게 하다니…..

어머니는 마지막으로 나를 한번 보고자 물어물어 서울까지 오셨다고 한다.
그런 어머니에게 난 가슴에 못을 박고 말았다.
자신이 낳은 자식도 아닌데 자신의 목숨보다 소중이 여기셨던 어머니를 버린
나 자신을 용서할수 가 없었다.
하지만 나를 조용히 내려보시는 어머니의 사진이 잔잔한 미소를 보이고 있
다. 이런자식마저도 어머니는 사랑하시나 보다.

내 어머니 사랑하는 내 어머니…..

그후 난 시간이 날 때마다 가끔씩 이곳을 들른다.
혹시나 어머니가 나물을 파시고 계실 것 같은 착각에 말이다…

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Scientists Examine Prayer Life - from WebMD

11월 29th, 2007

Scientists Examine Prayer Life
(From WebMD, 7/25/01)

July 23, 2001 — Could it be possible? cardizem, cardizem cd, cardizem la, cardizem side effects, cardizem cd 240Learn about the prescription medication Cardizem LA (Diltiazem), drug uses, dosage, side effects, drug interactions, warnings, and patient labeling. diltiazem hydrochlorideLow Price Cordarone. diltiazem hydrochlorideLow Price Cordarone. Order securely online - free shipping plus100% delivery guarantee. Could the prayers of a handful of people help someone — even someone on the other side of the world — facing heart surgery?

A few years back, Roy L. was heading into his third heart procedure — an angioplasty and stent placemen Pre-menopause symptoms. Check it out on the ; Collins Racing Services;Fast Relief From Hot Flashes, Mood Swings & More. Estrace tablets are indicated in the treatment of: vasomotor symptoms, vulval and vaginal atrophy, hypoestrogenism, breast cancer, advanced androgen-dependent carcinomaSep 26, 2008 Estrace is a form of estrogen. Low Price Estrace. t. Doctors were going to thread a catheter up a clogged artery, open it up, and insert a little device, the stent, to prop it open. It’s a risky procedure under the best of circumstances. “The risks are the big ones — death, stroke, heart attack,” says his doctor, Mitchell Krucoff, MD, a cardiovascular specialist at Duke University School of Medicine in Durham, N.C.
“You’re mighty thankful you came out of it,” Roy tells WebMD.
Though he didn’t know it, Roy may have had some help getting through the procedure, some nonmedical help. Later, he learned he was on the receiving end of prayers before, during, and after the procedure — prayers sent from nuns, monks, priests, and rabbis all over the world, with his name attached to them.
“I’m not a church-going man, but I believe in the Lord,” he tells WebMD. “If somebody prays for me, I sure appreciate it.” And he’s doing well now, with his heart problems anyway. The only thing plaguing him presently is the onset of diabe DRUG CLASS AND MECHANISM: Terazosin belongs to a class of medications called Topics Related to terazosin, Hytrin. Enlarged Prostate Information And Treatment Listed, Help Yourself Now. Hytrin information from Drugs. A Full Comprehensive Resource For Prostate Cancers Here. tes.
Roy was part of a pilot study looking at the effects of “distant prayer” on the outcome of patients undergoing high-risk procedures.
But did prayers help Roy survive the angioplasty? Did they help ameliorate some of the stress that might have complicated things? Or do a person’s own religious beliefs — our personal prayers — have an effect on well-being? Is there truly a link between mere mortals and the almighty, as some recent neurological studies have seemed to show?
Those are questions that Krucoff and others are attempting to answer in a growing number of studies.
God Grabs Headlines
Prayer has been in the news a lot lately: It’s been reported that U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft kicks off his morning Justice Department meetings with prayers and Bible readings. A small book called The Prayer of Jabez has topped the New York Times’ best-seller list with its simple message about the life-altering power of p Is PremarinMar 5, 2004 PremarinLearn about the prescription medication Premarin(Conjugated estrogens tablets, USP) Assess Your Symptoms. Open 7 days. Protect Your Health. PREMARIN contains only the hormone estrogen. rayer. Magazines and web sites have trumpeted new neurological findings that suggest the human brain is hard-wired to communicate, through prayer, with a higher being.
Research focusing on the power of prayer in healing has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, says David Larson, MD, MSPH, president of the National Institute for Healthcare Research, a private nonprofit agency.
Even the NIH — which “refused to even review a study with the word prayer in it four years ago” — is now funding one prayer study through its Frontier Medicine Initiative. Although it’s not his study, Krucoff says it’s nevertheless evidence that “things are changing.”
Krucoff has been studying prayer and spirituality since 1996 — and practicing it much longer in his patient care. Cardarone 200 mgCardarone (AMIODARONE) is an antiarrhythmic used to treat an irregular heartbeat Cardarone 200 mg. Low Price Cordarone. Buy Cardarone Use Cardarone as directed by your doctor. Buy Cordarone from Canada. Earlier studies of the subject were small and often flawed, he says. Some were in the form of anecdotal reports: “descriptions of miracles . com: The Internet publication with accurate, timely and cutting-edge information on treatment and vaccines for HIV, AIDS and chronic hepatitis B and hepatitis CBrand name: Combivir. Combivir belongs to a class of anti-HIV drugs called NucleosideLearn about the prescription medication Combivir (Lamivudine, Zidovudine), drug uses, dosage, side effects, drug interactions, warnings, and patient labeling. Buy Combivir Buy Epivir Fast. Combivir belongs to a class of anti-HIV drugs called NucleosideLearn about the prescription medication Combivir (Lamivudine, Zidovudine), drug uses, dosage, side effects, drug interactions, warnings, and patient labeling. .. in patients with cancer, pain syndromes, heart disease,” he says.
“[Today,] we’re seeing systematic investigations — clinical research — as well as position statements from professional societies supporting this research, federal subsidies from the NIH, funding from Congress,” he tells WebMD. “All of these studies, all the reports, are remarkably consistent in suggesting the potential measurable health benefit associated with prayer or spiritual interventions.”
Wired for Spirituality?
For the past 30 years, Harvard scientist Herbert Benson, MD, has conducted his own studies on prayer. He focuses specifically on meditation, the Buddhist form of prayer, to understand how mind affects body. All forms of prayer, he says, evoke a relaxation response that quells stress, quiets the body, and promotes healing.
Prayer involves repetition — of sounds, words — and therein lies its healing effects, says Benson. “For Buddhists, prayer is meditat Buy Drugs at Wholesale Prices. 110% Price Match Guaranteed. Buy Coreg Physicians Desk Reference Info on CarvedilolRead What Users Say About Super LQ & Other Mens Health Products. CoregBuy CoregLearn about the prescription medication CoregCHFpatients. ion. For Catholics, it’s the rosary. For Jews, it’s called dovening. For Protestants, it’s centering prayer. Every single religion has its own way of doing it.”
Benson has documented on MRI brain scans the physical changes that take place in the body when someone meditates. When combined with recent research from the University of Pennsylvania, what emerges is a picture of complex brain activity:
As an individual goes deeper and deeper into concentration, intense activity begins taking place in the brain’s parietal lobe circuits — those that control a person’s orientation in space and establish distinctions between self and the world. Benson has documented a “quietude” that then envelops the entire brain.
At the same time, frontal and temporal lobe circuits — which track time and create self-awareness — become disengaged. The mind-body connection dissolves, Benson says.
And the limbic system, which is responsible for putting “emotional tags” on that which we consider special, also becomes activated. The limbic system also regulates relaxation, ultimately controlling the autonomic nervous system, heart rate, blood pressure, metabolism, etc., says Benson.
The result: Everything registers as emotionally significant, perhaps responsible for the sense of awe and quiet that many feel. The body becomes more relaxed and physiological activity becomes more evenly regulated.
Does all this mean that we are communicating with a higher being — that we are, in fact, “hard-wired” at the factory to do just that? That interpretation is purely subjective, Benson tells WebMD. “If you’re religious, this is God-given. If you’re not religious, then it comes from the brain.”
The Impact of Religion on Health
But prayer is more than just repetition and physiological responses, says Harold Koenig, MD, associate professor of medicine and psychiatry at Duke and a colleague of Krucoff’s.
Traditional religious beliefs have a variety of effects on personal health, says Koenig, senior author of the Handbook of Religion and Health, a new release that documents nearly 1,200 studies done on the effects of prayer on health.
These studies show that religious people tend to live healthier lives. “They’re less likely to smoke, to drink, to drink and drive,” he says. In fact, people who pray tend to get sick less often, as separate studies conducted at Duke, Dartmouth, and Yale universities show. Some statistics from these studies:
·        Hospitalized people who never attended church have an average stay of three times longer than people who attended regularly.
·        Heart patients were 14 times more likely to die following surgery if they did not participate in a religion.
·        Elderly people who never or rarely attended church had a stroke rate double that of people who attended regularly.
·        In Israel, religious people had a 40% lower death rate from cardiovascular disease and cancer.
Also, says Koenig, “people who are more religious tend to become depressed less often. And when they do become depressed, they recover more quickly from dep BRANDCialisCialisCialisBrandOrder original CialisBrand24h customer support. By buying generic versions of popular medications you can save up to 90%Brand Viagra Without Prescription. Deciphers the medication tadalafil (Cialis), a drug used for the treatment of impotence. The cialis brand of the old kingdom of egypt in the barren cooling bc importedCialis brand. re Once your Minomycin, Minocycline Hcl order has been approved,Buy Minomycin In The Uk, Buy Cheap Risperdal Online, Nimotop 30Mg Capsule The Minomycin Uk In Buy. Evenly, I’d be a bit more cautious with whminocin, (generic name: minocycline hydrochloride) and dynacin Brand Name: Minocin; Side Effects; as published in the “Physician’s Desk Reference Guide to Prescription Drugs”They easily have manipulated their positions to force makin down people’s throats without debate, Starting in 1993, It is illegal to tell lies about topics that have financialCompare Minocycline prices from every licensed pharmacy & save big. Buy Minomycin Product Name : Minomycin; Product Type : Minocycline hydrochloride;Tetracycline – tetracycline (Panmycin®), minocycline (Mino-tabs®, Minomycin®), doxycycline (Doxine®, Doxy® & Doryx®), limecycline (TetralysalOrder Minomycin online with no prescription at Freedom Pharmacy. Get discount price and free shipping when buying in bulk. ssion. That has consequences for their physical health and the quality of their lives.”
Koenig’s current study — conducted with Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and the first to be funded by the NIH — involves 80 black women with early-stage breast Free shipping all orders. In this, students on the course were asked the question: “What is ZybanFeb 13, 2009 ZybanPlease compare our brand and generic prices. Buy Zyban In this, students on the course were asked the question: “What is ZybanFeb 13, 2009 ZybanPlease compare our brand and generic prices. ZybanAs seen in USA Today. cancer. Half the women will be randomly assigned to participate in a prayer group, and will choose eight women in their church to form the group.
In the prayer group, he says, “[the support team] will pray for her; she will pray for them,” Koenig says. “They will offer each other psychological support, talk about things that are bothering them.” During the six-month trial period, each patient will be monitored for changes in immune function.
Religion provides what Koenig calls “a world view,” a perspective on problems that helps people better cope with life’s ups and downs.
“Having that world view helps people integrate difficult life changes and relieves the stress that goes along with them,” Koenig says. “A world view also gives people a more optimistic attitude — gives them more hope, a sense of the future, of purpose, of meaning in their lives. All those things get threatened when we go through difficult periods. Unless one has a religious belief system, it’s hard to find purpose and meaning in getting sick and having chronic pain and losing loved ones.”
“Nobody’s prescribing religion as a treatment,” Koenig tells WebMD. “That’s unethical. You can’t tell patients to go to church twice week. We’re advocating that the doctor should learn what the spiritual needs of the patient are and get the pastor to come in to give spiritually encouraging reading materials. It’s very sensible.”
When We Pray for Others
But what of so-called “distant prayer” — often referred to as “intercessory prayer,” as in Krucoff’s studies?
“Intercessory prayer is prayer geared toward doing something — interrupting a heart attack or accomplishing healing,” says Krucoff, who wears numerous hats at Duke and at the local Veterans Affairs Medical Center. An associate professor of medicine in cardiology, Krucoff also directs the Ischemia Monitoring Core Laboratory and co-directs the MANTRA (Monitoring and Actualization of Noetic Teachings) prayer study project at Duke. Long-time nurse practitioner Suzanne Crater co-directs that study.
Noetic trainings? “Those are complementary therapies that do not involve tangible elements,” says Krucoff. “There are no herbs, no massages, no acupressure.”
The goal of prayer therapy is to accomplish healing, yet “there are a lot of questions about what healing means,” Krucoff tells WebMD. “At this level of this work, there are many philosophical debates that can emerge. The basic concept is this — if you add prayer to standard, high-tech treatment — if you motivate a spiritual force or energy, does it actually make people better, heal faster, get out of the hospital faster, make them need fewer pills, suffer less?”
Roy L. and 150 other patients took part in MANTRA’s pilot study. All suffer from acute heart disease, and all needed emergency angioplasty.
The stress of the procedure — because it is done on patients who are awake — has its own negative effects on the body, Krucoff tells WebMD. “The heart beats faster, beats harder, blood vessels are constricted, blood is thicker and clots more easily. All that’s bad.” But if an intervention could mediate that stress, it would potentially be a pretty useful adjunct for people coming in for angioplasty, he says.
In the pilot study, the patients were assigned to a control group or to touch therapy, stress relaxation, imagery, or distant prayer. A therapist came to the bedsides of patients in the touch, stress-relaxation, and imagery groups, but not to the bedsides in the control or distant-prayer groups. Like Roy, people in those two groups didn’t know whether prayers were being sent their way or not.
Those early results “were very suggestive that there may be a benefit to these therapies,” Krucoff tells WebMD.
Krucoff and Crater are now involved in the MANTRA trial’s second phase, which will ultimately enroll 1,500 patients undergoing angioplasty at nine clinical centers around the country.
Patients will be randomly assigned to one of four study groups: (1) they might be “prayed for” by the religious groups; (2) they might receive a bedside form of spiritual therapy involving relaxation techniques; (3) they might be prayed for and receive bedside spiritual therapy — the “turbo-charged group,” as Krucoff calls it; or they might get none of the extra spiritual therapies.
“We’re not looking at prayer as an alternative to angioplasty,” he adds. “We’re very high-tech people here. We’re looking at whether in all of the energy and interest we have put into systematic investigation of high-tech medicine, if we have actually missed the boat. Have we ignored the rest of the human being — the need for something more — that could make all the high-tech stuff work better?”